the circus is coming to town

Fresh off of “Who says dating ain’t hard work?” my brain has been working overtime to keep the goods (or bads, don’t know which) coming. Thing is, I've been blogging in my head for yonks but just never put anything down. So here is the follow up I promised. Hope it can edutain you like the last one did.

Have you ever been to the circus? Complete with big tent; ring master; clowns; jugglers; elephant gymnasts; human cannonball and hungry lions? I have. In fact, I go practically every other Saturday (and the occasional Thursday) to the circus. There are different ones open across town every weekend but the ones I frequent usually revolve around a few repeated venues as premium space is very limited.

Each ‘show’ is not much removed from the last one but still I find myself obligated to be present and more often than not, involved in proceedings, usually in organizational capacities or as a wannabe paparazzo. The characters are almost always the same; outfitting similar and routines like clockwork. But for the few differences – mostly down to individuality – in people’s reactions to various instances, they are all one and the same really.

As a Nigerian (in Nigeria no less), I'm sure my fellow countrymen are wondering what the hell I'm on about. ‘What circus, Chichi?’ they are probably wondering. They shouldn’t be surprised to find out that they are on the same wavelength as me. They have been going to the circus just like I have, if not more than me even. Some have even been the main attraction in the circus center ring - an accolade I am yet to acquire. Still baffled? Then allow me to introduce you to the greatest show on earth, playing every week at a “big tent” near you:

The Nigerian Wedding!

Now is you with me? Make sense to ya? Who has not been to at least one of these celebrations of grandiosity? The pump and circumstance – our version anyway – is unrivalled anywhere else in the world – except of course, when the ceremony is held outside Nigeria and then poor foreigners are burdened with the spectacle. I apologize on behalf of my ever flamboyant brethren.

If you have ever wondered why our weddings are the way they are, so have I. At every new one I attend, I secretly hope deep down inside that it will be the stress-free, beautifully blessed event it was created to be. Unfortunately for me – even more unfortunate for numerous Brides and Grooms – I am yet to attend such a wedding. Weddings, Naija style, are synonymous with pandemonium; laden with throngs of “guests” the couple don’t know from Adam, Eve or the apple!

These range from the ring master (MC) to the clowns (non or distant relatives that think this is about them; “dignitaries” and their ridiculous entourages that destabilize proceedings); jugglers (multi-taskers who feel they MUST be everywhere at once – I’m guilty here); elephant gymnasts (over-weight people who squeeze their torsos into undersized garments and prance around the whole place knocking people about); human cannonball (those who will go to ANY lengths to be seen, be it by being loud, dressing ridiculously etc) and of course the hungry lions (“Mo Gbo, Mo Ya” we call them, which means, “I heard, so I came”; in essence, the non-invited who just wanna eat and bail out).

All the while, the poor Couple wonders why things ended up this way. This wasn’t how they planned it. Not when she was a little girl dreaming of the fairy tale wedding with Prince Charming and all. Not 6 months ago when they started planning fervently. This was not the plan. They had seen it happen a million times. So they swore theirs would be different. They would have it all under control. Yes. They would indeed.

So, how now, has it all come to this? Why is our wedding overrun with “goons” who really believe they are “securing” a “supposed VIP”? Why is that twat from accounting here? I went to great lengths to ensure he didn’t make it here. Who are all these people? Who is this “chairman” that has played “an important role in my life” that I never met before? Why are our friends nowhere in sight and all these pensioners around us? Why? Why? Why?

Why? I’ll tell you why. BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT REALLY THAT IMPORTANT! I mean, it is only YOUR wedding. Big deal? So what you’ve been waiting for this day since you were four years old? Guess who’s been waiting longer... A ha! A ha! There you go. Mama and Papa! Heck, they were done planning your wedding before they even met! So it is really all about them. You are just the excuse to celebrate. Deal with it!

I know not everyone likes to read much so I went and made a movie about it instead to help shed more light on the issue. Ok. So I didn’t make a movie about it but if I did, the movie information would read something like this:

HEAVEN’S GATE PICTURES PRESENTS A PARENTAL PRODUCTION OF THE COUPLE’S MOTHERS’ FILM THE BRIDE THE GROOM . NIGERIAN WEDDING . STARRING THE BRIDAL TRAIN THE COUPLE’S FAMILY THE COUPLE’S FRIENDS AND THE COUPLE’S PARENTS’ AS THEIR ALTER EGOS INTRODUCING THE LITTLE BRIDE AND LITTLE GROOM SPECIAL GUEST APPEARANCES BY (INSERT GOVERNOR, SENATOR, TRIBAL CHIEF OR OTHER DIGNITARY HERE) AND (INSERT PRIEST, IMAM OR REGISTRAR HERE) MUSIC BY SUNNY ADE (OR SOME RANDOM WEDDING SINGER) MUSIC SUPERVISOR (INSERT UNCLE, AUNTY OR BESTMAN HERE) COSTUME DESIGNER SURA D TAILOR (OR SOME WEDDING CATALOG OR THE OCCASIONAL HIGH END DESIGNER) EDITED BY (NOBODY HAS BEEN ABLE TO EDIT THE NIGERIAN WEDDING JUST YET) PRODUCTION DESIGNER CENTER PIECES (OR SOME OTHER COMPANY OR INDEPENDENT DECORATOR) DIRECTOR OF PHOTOGRAPHY YOURS TRULY GSFP (GHETTO SNAPPER FAMILY PAPARAZZI) (SUMI SMART-COLE, SOME RANDOM PHOTOGRAPHER OR (YOU GUESSED IT) OVATION, CITY PEOPLE, ENCOMIUM ETC) EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS COUPLE’S PARENTS (AND THE OCCASIONAL SPONSOR) PRODUCED BY COUPLE’S MOTHERS' BASED ON THE INSTRUCTIONS OF GOD ALMIGHTY SCREENPLAY BY COUPLE’S PARENTS (MAINLY THE MOTHERS) DIRECTED BY (INSERT ANNOYING NIGERIAN COMEDIAN HERE)

RATED R FOR BEING UTTERLY RIDICULOUS

In Hollywood, the Executive Producers call the shots. They are the bosses, so everybody dances to their tune. Yeah, Brad and Angelina are the BIG Hollywood stars. Their faces are on the billboards. They win the awards and go for all the grand openings, blah blah blah! However, they are just pawns. The sellable faces to make the motion picture a success. Seem like a wedding in any way?

This is how I see it anyway. You do have the freedom to agree or disagree. I do tend to see things from left field anyway. I hope I haven’t bored you too much and taken too much of your time? I always just feel the need to rant and impose it on someone else. Hope you don’t mind?

Well, until the next time his warped mind decides to go far away from normalcy again, have a gay old time like our ancestors from Bedrock. See ya when I see ya.

PS – I have actually never been to the circus before. And that sucks.

Major!

(Originally posted on May 17th, 2006)