Sometimes, he just sits down and starts thinking. Thinking a lot! About nothing in particular but he starts looking at things from a different perspective. Then he comes in here and writes it out. Voila!

Friday, November 24, 2006


This was originally a story about infidelity but things changed as I was writing, so I decided to kill two birds with one catapult and edutain like I like to do. It is now a story about infidelity gone wrong. (Like it was right in the first place). Enjoy… or not!

This is the story of four great friends who grew up together, did everything together and always looked out for one another. They were very different in character which is what made their relationship special and kept things interesting, ultimately sustaining their relationship. Brian was Head of a Human Resources firm; Sean, a reporter for The Observer; Hertz (Father Solomon to his congregation), a Reverend at the “House of Blessed Hearts” Church and Richie, a cocky actor. They were a bunch of numskulls who could never agree on anything, which they clearly knew, but they still always consulted each other regardless, on everything, before making a decision. They had made a pact to never let anything come between them and they had kept to it, sacredly, until now…

The straw that finally broke the camel’s back was five foot seven inches of lady loveliness named Aida. She was, as The Mask would say: SMOKINGGGGGGGGG!

Sean saw her first (he always spotted things first, maybe due to his journalistic instincts) at the media launch of some new product and as always, he passed on the information to Brian first, who would in turn brief Richie and the Preacher would always be last to know because they felt they could do without his ‘wise words.’ They all had a woman in their lives but this was no ordinary woman. This was a once in a lifetime ‘epiphany’ if you will and upon seeing her, even Hertz let out an Amen. There was an after party which was no problem getting into because all their lines of work had them connected on end. A few phone calls here and there and Bob’s your uncle; they all got to share Sean’s view.

When the ‘Fab Four’ was finally assembled, the other three were in sync with their reporter friend. Even the holy man. To cut to the chase and call it what it is, she was sex in a tight dress and high heels. She had noticed Sean taking notice of her at the earlier event and noticed he had come to the after party ‘reinforced.’ She liked what she saw and she was the type of woman that took what she wanted. She approached the crew and Brian tried to get them to compose themselves and play it cool. However, Sean couldn’t stop staring, Hertz thumbed his Rosary beads nervously and Richie couldn’t hide his excitement. Aida had them right where she wanted.

A few drinks, shameless flirting and pointless banter later, Aida grabbed Richie and invited him over to her place; and his friends too. He almost spat out his entire drink at the sudden unbridled sincerity and suggestiveness of this temptress. He did dribble a bit and stain his pants which brought a naughty smile to her lips. “We’ll have to clean that up when we get to mine,” she teased. “Let me just dash to the little girls’ room real quick then we can blow this dump.” She kissed Brian’s forehead, stroked Sean’s temple and pinched Hertz’s chest; as if to re-emphasize her desire for all four, and then shimmied her pretty tushy towards the rest rooms. It gave them the opening they needed to have a quick huddle.

Their huddles were always the same, with Brian, the smart one, always disagreeing with the brash sensibilities of Richie, at which point Hertz, the voice of reason, would try to play mediator, while the ever observant Sean would try to put things in perspective.

Brian: I won’t even sit here and try to lie to you guys, that lady is a fox and I so want to go back to hers but let’s think about this for a second.

Richie: Think? What the fuck is there to think about? She wants to fuck and that’s all that matters. Actually, I wanna fuck too!

Brian: I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want to as well…

Richie: So what the fuck we having this conversation for then?

Brian: Two words – girl & friend.

Richie: Oh, nigga please! What the fuck you gotta bring her up for?

Brian: Are you listening to yourself? You see a piece of ass and you forget her like that? Pastor, I think you need to pray for your friend.

Hertz: I understand from whence thou both spake, but tis not enough to fester ill feelings towards one another. She doth appear like the fairest of maidens but I sense a demon spirit within her…

Richie: See what you done smarty pants? You’ve let the loony Pas’a go off on one of his diatribes now. Talking demons and shit. Damn, if she got any, I need to be exorcising her ass, you know what I’m saying? Sheet!

Hertz: Mine friend, thou art right. Demon or angel spirit is not the case hither. However, I must concur with Brother Brian. Your love doth belong to another. Is it worth throwing away o’er a foolish pleasure?

Richie: I can’t believe you guys! I saw how you all looked at her, now you wanna get all righteous and shit. Sheet!

Sean: I have to agree with Dicky boy on that one though. Did you see how she strategically hiked her dress up to expose those spotless, hot legs? Or how she kept leaning in till we shared the same breaths? Tingling all over dude, for real! If y’all are seeing what I’m seeing, I say tap that and never look back.

Richie: Can I get an Amen Father Sol?

Hertz: Oh dear…

Brian: Listen to yourselves… you don’t even want to think about this thoroughly? She’s the hottest thing ever but do you want to throw a good thing away with Yvette?

Richie: Nigga, I ain’t gon’ tell Yvette shit and neither will any of you sorry ass mu’fuckas! We all took an oath and y’all know you want it! Am I lying, yo?

Hertz: The mind is strong but the flesh is weak…

Sean: You know I see your point and now, I see her walking back.

Brian: I do too but shouldn’t you…

Richie: Look nigga, that fine piece of ass is coming back this way and she wants us over at hers to do the nasty. That’s all that’s on my mind right now and I’m going, whether you coming or not. And that’s that mu’fucka. So who’s with me?

Hertz: I need to watch over you my easily excited friend. That is all that is e’er on your mind.

Sean: Yeah and I need to see this.

Brian: You just never listen. You are such a jackass! But we are boys and all in together, right? I don’t feel good about this but I guess I’ll have to go along with it. But Yvette man…

Richie: If you call her name one more time I’ma sock ya!

Aida: Shall we?

So, they all go back to her place. Richie gets into character and dives into it head first. Hertz can’t watch but he hears it all and cannot forgive himself. Sean looks at the episode unfold in front of him but often stops, as if to store the moment in his visual memory banks. Brian still doesn’t feel good about it but he has come along for the ride and has to live with the decision he has made… for the rest of their life.

Everything is normal for the first few months after Aida but the drama slowly starts to unfold. It starts with Richie. Work isn’t going too well. Usually a rock solid performer, recently he just hasn’t been able to rise to the occasion when required and stunts he has pulled repeatedly over the years with the greatest of ease become more difficult and even painful. Mr. ‘Cock Diesel’ isn’t so cocky anymore.

Hertz is having problems with the congregation. He finds it hard facing them and speaking righteousness since the Aida incident. He feels like the scum of the earth and undeserving of his position. The effect on him is traumatizing. The group’s conscience has lost his. He has constant nightmares and doesn’t know who to turn to as he is afraid to look to God.

Sean has lost focus. He doesn’t see things like he used to and his work is affected. He misses things that are right there and keeps bumping into problems at every turn. He can’t explain it but he knows he doesn’t feel like he once did. The work is too strenuous and the bosses have started to notice his lack of insight all of a sudden. The point man is now walking blindly.

Brian begins to question his position. If he cannot manage his dearest friends, people he knows everything about, is he actually capable of dealing with total strangers? Is he really good at what he does? Self doubt and guilt overtake him. He cannot shake the events of that night… and these constant headaches.

They have ignored the obvious for too long and decide to face their problems like they always have in the past – together. They seek professional help to look into their collective plight, as they all identified the same source of their problems – a fox named Aida.

They were prepared for bad news but instead, they got the worst…








Monday, September 25, 2006

mike and the mechanics

You remind me of my jeep
I wanna ride it
Something like my sound
I wanna pump it
Girl you look just like my car
I wanna wax it
And something like my bank account
I wanna spend you baby

Do you remember these words by R. Kelly? It begins to unlock the secrets as to why men cheat. What the hell is Chichi on about you’re probably asking. Well, allow me to expatiate. Or at least give it a shot.

A man won’t cheat on you because he doesn’t love you. Never make that mistake women. I know you may never understand this notion or maybe more appropriately, never understand how we can even offer this notion but more often than not, he loves you. Plenty. Before I go off course though, let me get back on track. I was about to remix this blog and turn it to something else but I must not lose focus. Will blog on that later. Now to business.

As I was saying, your man does love you. Like the R. Kelly song, you remind him of his jeep. And you know a man loves his jeep! You might not see the similarity or even feel insulted by the insinuation of such absurd lunacy ( holla) but just let Blog Sexy do what it do baby. Yeah! Okay. I apologize. That was uncalled for. Moving ahead. Hip hop style.

He loves the sound of your VOICE like it’s from SUPERCHARGED AMPS
Loves the texture of your SKIN like some plush ITALIAN LEATHER
Likes you with your TOP DOWN but that depends on the weather
He loves to TURN YOU ON, keys to IGNITION
Take you where you need to go when he works that TRANSMISSION
But always SAFETY first so you know he stays STRAPPED
Before he takes you from 0-60, 3 seconds flat
WAX that body down, strictly the best for you
Keep you ROLLING down boulevards in them SHINY SHOES
Take you everywhere, show you off to all his friends
They love yo THICK BODY like that wide bodied BENZ
The way you RIDE smooth, carry that BADUNKADUNK
How you don’t flip over with so much junk in the TRUNK
Go under yo HOOD and JUICE you in the right spots
Work you all night then rest you in the PARKING LOT

Well, it wasn’t the initial plan to drop 16 but I kinda got a strong buzz and ran with it. Pity it’s such a wack verse but it does get the picture across. Well, sorta. It’s a cheap attempt at linking a female with a car but I just felt it would go down better than in essay form. Anyway, moving on.

So what does this have to do with men cheating? Well, when we do the comparison of woman and whip, a hurt chick is a faulty car. So, I now realize I didn’t structure this too well but I’m tired now and here’s the point of all this rubbish:

If chicks are cars, then dudes are mechanics because no matter how much they screw you over, you just keep going back. It could be to complain about faulty service, the car is always jerking, something is leaking, something wasn't put in properly, he left a dent on the body or most especially, why can’t he ever just do what he was asked to? Why fix one problem only to create another? At which point she is likely to scream, I am never bringing my car here again! With ‘again’ being next week’s tune-up!

That's why men cheat, ok?

Now I’m off to bow my head in shame
For posting a blog that is so lame

Goodnight everybody!

Thursday, June 08, 2006

the circus is coming to town

Fresh off of “Who says dating ain’t hard work?” my brain has been working overtime to keep the goods (or bads, don’t know which) coming. Thing is, I've been blogging in my head for yonks but just never put anything down. So here is the follow up I promised. Hope it can edutain you like the last one did.

Have you ever been to the circus? Complete with big tent; ring master; clowns; jugglers; elephant gymnasts; human cannonball and hungry lions? I have. In fact, I go practically every other Saturday (and the occasional Thursday) to the circus. There are different ones open across town every weekend but the ones I frequent usually revolve around a few repeated venues as premium space is very limited.

Each ‘show’ is not much removed from the last one but still I find myself obligated to be present and more often than not, involved in proceedings, usually in organizational capacities or as a wannabe paparazzo. The characters are almost always the same; outfitting similar and routines like clockwork. But for the few differences – mostly down to individuality – in people’s reactions to various instances, they are all one and the same really.

As a Nigerian (in Nigeria no less), I'm sure my fellow countrymen are wondering what the hell I'm on about. ‘What circus, Chichi?’ they are probably wondering. They shouldn’t be surprised to find out that they are on the same wavelength as me. They have been going to the circus just like I have, if not more than me even. Some have even been the main attraction in the circus center ring - an accolade I am yet to acquire. Still baffled? Then allow me to introduce you to the greatest show on earth, playing every week at a “big tent” near you:

The Nigerian Wedding!

Now is you with me? Make sense to ya? Who has not been to at least one of these celebrations of grandiosity? The pump and circumstance – our version anyway – is unrivalled anywhere else in the world – except of course, when the ceremony is held outside Nigeria and then poor foreigners are burdened with the spectacle. I apologize on behalf of my ever flamboyant brethren.

If you have ever wondered why our weddings are the way they are, so have I. At every new one I attend, I secretly hope deep down inside that it will be the stress-free, beautifully blessed event it was created to be. Unfortunately for me – even more unfortunate for numerous Brides and Grooms – I am yet to attend such a wedding. Weddings, Naija style, are synonymous with pandemonium; laden with throngs of “guests” the couple don’t know from Adam, Eve or the apple!

These range from the ring master (MC) to the clowns (non or distant relatives that think this is about them; “dignitaries” and their ridiculous entourages that destabilize proceedings); jugglers (multi-taskers who feel they MUST be everywhere at once – I’m guilty here); elephant gymnasts (over-weight people who squeeze their torsos into undersized garments and prance around the whole place knocking people about); human cannonball (those who will go to ANY lengths to be seen, be it by being loud, dressing ridiculously etc) and of course the hungry lions (“Mo Gbo, Mo Ya” we call them, which means, “I heard, so I came”; in essence, the non-invited who just wanna eat and bail out).

All the while, the poor Couple wonders why things ended up this way. This wasn’t how they planned it. Not when she was a little girl dreaming of the fairy tale wedding with Prince Charming and all. Not 6 months ago when they started planning fervently. This was not the plan. They had seen it happen a million times. So they swore theirs would be different. They would have it all under control. Yes. They would indeed.

So, how now, has it all come to this? Why is our wedding overrun with “goons” who really believe they are “securing” a “supposed VIP”? Why is that twat from accounting here? I went to great lengths to ensure he didn’t make it here. Who are all these people? Who is this “chairman” that has played “an important role in my life” that I never met before? Why are our friends nowhere in sight and all these pensioners around us? Why? Why? Why?

Why? I’ll tell you why. BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT REALLY THAT IMPORTANT! I mean, it is only YOUR wedding. Big deal? So what you’ve been waiting for this day since you were four years old? Guess who’s been waiting longer... A ha! A ha! There you go. Mama and Papa! Heck, they were done planning your wedding before they even met! So it is really all about them. You are just the excuse to celebrate. Deal with it!

I know not everyone likes to read much so I went and made a movie about it instead to help shed more light on the issue. Ok. So I didn’t make a movie about it but if I did, the movie information would read something like this:



In Hollywood, the Executive Producers call the shots. They are the bosses, so everybody dances to their tune. Yeah, Brad and Angelina are the BIG Hollywood stars. Their faces are on the billboards. They win the awards and go for all the grand openings, blah blah blah! However, they are just pawns. The sellable faces to make the motion picture a success. Seem like a wedding in any way?

This is how I see it anyway. You do have the freedom to agree or disagree. I do tend to see things from left field anyway. I hope I haven’t bored you too much and taken too much of your time? I always just feel the need to rant and impose it on someone else. Hope you don’t mind?

Well, until the next time his warped mind decides to go far away from normalcy again, have a gay old time like our ancestors from Bedrock. See ya when I see ya.

PS – I have actually never been to the circus before. And that sucks.


(Originally posted on May 17th, 2006)

Wednesday, June 07, 2006


give & take

I have been single for so long for one simple reason...
Relationships are all about GIVE & TAKE...
You GIVE up your freedom and TAKE a lot of s#!t!

I think I just bought myself 4 more seasons of loneliness with this assumption...

peace & quiet

She says I am a pain...
Always harrassing her and bothering her when she wants to rest...
Nothing I do seems to right...
She screams for some PEACE & QUIET...
I can do that...
Just gimme a PIECE & I'll be QUIET!


(Thanks for that one Yemisi)

open & shut

Relationships are unnecessarily complicated these days...
I mean, it's either we love each other or we don't!
It's as simple as that!
An OPEN & SHUT case...
Does that make sense to you?


Now OPEN yo' legs and SHUT yo' mouth!


trial & error

We all need to be understanding when in relationships...
We have to tolerate mistakes because we learn from them...
As they say, experience is the best teacher...
So in my TRIAL to b@ng her best friend, my ERROR was doing it at her birthday party!!!


rich & poor

Money, they say, is the root of all evil...
There is an ugly evil that exists in our world today...
For RICHer or for POORer is just something they say at weddings...
Today, if you don't got the doe?
No love for you Joe!

But I say no more!!!

I am rising up in arms as the Robin Hood of relationships!
I will gather a band of soon to be merry men (very merry indeed)...
As we steal these damsels from their RICH captors and give these POOR dissatisfied dames what they've been missing...


come & go

She's breaking up with me...
She gives the classic, "It's not you, it's me!" line...
"That's just life," she says.
"Things COME & GO..."
"And the first time he made me COME, I knew you had to GO!!!"


hit & run

She thinks she's the s#!t...
Thinks she's GOD's gift to mankind...
She has every reason to though...

For she is HOT!

They say she is unattainable...
I disagree...
For I will get her...
And when I HIT it, I will RUN my mouth!
On the contrary, if I don't HIT it, I'll RUN my mouth anyway that I did!!!


good & bad

In love...
They teach you to take everything in...
Both the GOOD & the BAD...
The bitter with the sweet...
Blah blah blah...
But I am only human...
And I can only be me...
So If that ain't GOOD enough for ya, that's just too BAD!

More to come when his warped mind starts working again!

(Originally posted on May 12th, 2006)

who says dating ain't hard work?

Adam and Eve (or Steve as the case may be these days). Samson and Delilah. Mars and Venus. Yin and yang. Husband and wife. These are a just a few male/female combinations that exist in the world we live in today. In a perfect world, these one-on-one pairings are the status quo and everyone is happy. Unfortunately, our world is not perfect. Infidelity is at an all time high (well, since statistics have been recorded – we aren’t quite Sodom and Gomorrah yet me thinks) and no end seems in sight. All over the world, women grow more worried about straying men and the wenches that lure them away. It is rather stereotypical to tag men as the offenders every time but for the sake of this argument, we will accept this stereotype. And off the record, we usually are anyway. There are many unanswered questions in existence that traverse the globe and come back full circle, still a mystery. Women have endless conundrums (what to wear; is my butt too big; what’s the offside rule; is this my left or my right) going on in their heads but the ultimate question for the fairer sex remains: why do men cheat? The debates raised by this question are endless, as are the offered responses. However, no general conclusion has been arrived at. The basic truth is that relationships are hard work. Probably the hardest, most intense job you will ever have. Yes, it is a job; be it pursuing one, maintaining one, sustaining one, fixing one or even ending one. Maybe that’s why men cheat. We see relationships as just another job that comes with all the frustrations and demands of a regular 9 – 5, the woman being the boss. You don’t see the connection? Well let me run you through the relationship (no pun intended) between work and women. They are the same thing really… from a man’s point of view anyway.

1. When job hunting, you don't drop your resume off at just one office, you spread it around. You can't put all your eggs in one basket.

2. After dropping off your CV, you sit back and wait for offers to come through. And don’t worry about getting caught out – EVERYONE LIES ON THEIR CV!

3. Some may reject you; others may call you in for a second, third (an so on) interview and others may hire you immediately. It all depends on your resume or their perception of who you are, possibly seeing vast potential in you.

4. If more than one offer is made, you need to handle your research thoroughly and make a firm decision as to which job suits you best.

5. After making your choice, you clearly but politely decline the other offers. Keep them open, however, as you never know how soon you might need to be flirting with another job.

6. Alternatively, especially when all offers made are very tempting (or your needs are many), some men work two jobs. Others take on weekend jobs as well. Some will work on public holidays and others still, will take vacation jobs. So realistically, but somewhat unlikely, some men can work (say it with me now) 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 jobs minimum, at any given time, while some will still work more if they feel they can... or must.

7. However, the multi-job worker should know that if found out, he could be fired from all jobs simultaneously and immediately be thrown back into the unemployment market.

8. If you choose to work one job, it could prove to be very rewarding over a long period of time (emphasis on long) and your excellent performance will not go unnoticed, as your benefits and bonuses are sure to improve. Also watching though will be impressed rival companies who will try to lure you away.

9. However, if your performance is sloppy, you will be canned and all the other offers you shunned are likely to have gone with the wind. No one wants a liability. Do not fret however, for some low end, minimum wage paying job probably awaits you somewhere. Or not.

10. If you are indispensable to your company and have good job security, you are likely to be more adventurous and take more risks with your work. This will only last so long, however, as ultimately, EVERYBODY IS REPLACEABLE.

11. Some jobs are taken just for the working experience alone. Anything else that comes with it is just an added bonus.

12. Some jobs are pursued primarily for prestige and image reasons i.e. I work with such and such. Usually sought after by the uber-competitive, the jaded or the insecure.

13. At a certain point, work makes no sense if there is no job satisfaction. It doesn’t matter how attractive the package is anymore if you lack motivation for what you currently do.

14. When temping, it needs to be set straight from jump because failure to do so may destabilize the company for a while when it is time for you to leave. Also, your performance may attract a permanent offer from an impressed employer. What to do, what to do.

15. In today’s business world, mergers are second nature for growth. More heads means more resources, more ideas and more excitement. The biggest problem is always who really runs things after the merger as a staff shuffle is imminent.

16. The capable and inefficient worker alike, not everybody appreciates working overtime.

17. Even the worst of workers needs a retirement plan for no one knows what the future holds.

18. As opposed to being tied down by one employer, these days more and more people are providing their services to various organizations simultaneously, as consultants.

19. Discipline usually takes the form of warnings and suspensions. This gives the employee avenues to re-evaluate his situation and ample time to weigh other options.

20. Most jobs are taken for the comfort and security they might afford but the worker’s passion usually lies somewhere else.

21. A job, at the end of the day, is just a job but different offices come with different quirks and perks. Stories from different sources are enough to get the wheels turning.

22. Be careful who you get close to and what you say. Someone might be after your job.

23. If you are an asset to your company and you have a very possessive boss, leaving the company can be hell for you. Such employers will go to any lengths to ensure they get their way. If they can’t have you, no one else can.

24. Jobs have a way of demanding all your attention leaving little time for anything else.

25. Like every staffer in the world, you feel you are overworked but underappreciated, thus you keep looking for the job that will work you less but appreciate you more.

26. Being in charge of your own business, however, is the gift and the curse. You enjoy all the benefits and endure all the losses. You have to deal with efficiency and redundancy and treat them with the same attention. You are constantly looking for ways to stay relevant or improve on services provided. You have to keep the employee happy or run the risk of losing them to competitors, which is a harsh reality you have to deal with. This means you are never really stable and have your eye open for the best possible hands to hire all the time.

27. Alternatively, you could always choose sole proprietorship. This has the benefits of not having to take crap from anyone. You can do whatever you want, whenever you want. All by yourself.

I hope this has helped shed some light on the situation? I know what you're thinking ladies... Work sucks, right? I agree but all the same, love it or leave it alone I always say.

Oh and one more thing; I of course work only one job at a time, which is a lot more than I can handle really but still I keep at it, getting paid, way above minimum wage.

(Originally posted on May 12th, 2006)